African Americans will forever be indebted to Dr. Woodson for his bringing to the forefront, in a very visible way, the challenges and significant contributions of African Americans.  One has to question, though, whether the best mechanism to continue this work is through continuing the Black History Month tradition.

The major problems I see with Black History Month, or any other ethnically-themed month, include:

1. People tend to focus on the challenges and contributions of nonwhites and women only during their designated month.  In the 1920‘s, the contributions of Black people were not really recognized at all, so it was necessary to select a time where these discussions could happen.  Today, using one month to celebrate the remarkable contributions that African Americans have made to the development and advancement of this nation is insulting.  Black, Hispanic and Native American history is American History, and should be seamlessly woven into literature, art, science, and history books. These should not be side subjects or add-ons.
2. The “surface culture” events and programs in our cities, at our schools and at our workplaces during these designated months may lead to more marginalization from the very people these activities are aimed at educating.  Culture is obviously much more than singing, dancing, garb and food.  If not part of a broader, on-going educational approach, these events provide a very shallow understanding of different cultures, their challenges and their contributions.
3. We tend to hero-worship during these designated months.  Everyone knows Dr. King, Harriet Tubman and Frederick Douglas.  The problem is that whenever we start naming prominent Black, Hispanic, or Native American people, we leave out countless people who have made remarkable contributions in every field of human endeavor.  There are little-known scientists, educators, engineers, lawyers, doctors, artists and writers without whom our world would be radically different without their efforts.  To highlight a few does great disservice for the rest.  Also, people like Dr. King are few and far between, to focus only on them presents a nearly impossible model for kids to emulate, regardless of race or gender.

America has always been a multicultural, multiracial society.  Our diversity should be celebrated in all of its splendor 12 months each year.

Have a safe and prosperous 2010!

Another pleasant surprise has been the number of people who have been inspired to write after reading my book.  I know two people who have already gotten published, and several others have asked me specific questions about the writing and publishing process.  This has gotten me to think about how great it would be if more people shared their stories.  The goal should not necessarily be to sell a bunch of copies and make a lot of money, but rather to contribute to the body of knowledge in the public sphere.

If you are challenged in figuring out what to write about, ask yourself the following questions.  What do you enjoy?  Do you have a unique life experience that people can benefit from learning about?  Do you have a big idea?  Do you have a different view on an issue than what appears to be the popular position?  Is there something you would like to learn more about? (Remember, you are an expert if you read three books on a given subject).  Having asked all of those questions, please keep in mind that your life story is probably more profound than you think.  Whatever you write about, I guarantee that you will get more out of it than you could ever imagine, especially where emotional intelligence is concerned.

Here are some elements of emotional intelligence that can be improved upon through writing a book:

1.    Emotional Self Awareness.  The process really teaches you about yourself and why you think and feel the way you do.  Often, we are out of touch with where our ideas and feelings originated.  With careful exploration, you might find that your feelings and ideas have more to do with your parents and childhood experiences, than a real thorough evaluation of facts.

Some of us have stereotypes about people because of what we were told and just absorbed as true.  Some of us go to church or prescribe to a certain religion because its what our parents and their parents before them did, as opposed to a thoughtful examination of different religious philosophies.  Some of us are virtually unaware of our behavior and its impact on others.

Depending on your subject, writing a book really forces you to go inside yourself in ways you can’t even imagine.

2.    Self-Actualization. I cannot express to you the sense of accomplishment you feel once you finish your book.  The feeling rivaled the feeling I had after obtaining my doctorate degree.  Imagine starting from a blank sheet of paper and ending up with a 200-plus page document.

3.    Assertiveness. Few things can challenge one’s ability to be assertive than putting your ideas out there for the world to respond.  If it is not challenging the status quo, it is probably not worth writing.

4.    Impulse Control.  The process is great practice for patience.  Sometimes it takes a while for the ideas to form.  It might be in the car, it could be in the shower, sometimes it is in a meeting, often it is in the middle of the night.  (By the way, buy a digital recorder so that you don’t miss these opportunities.)  The fact that anyone anywhere can read your ideas really forces you to think deeply about what you are penning.  You can’t just put your first thoughts on the page.  You have to play with, wrestle, and sometimes fight issues to deconstruct and better understand them.

5.    Independence.  I have already indicated that finishing the book was comparable to finishing my doctorate, but an added plus was that I did it without a committee keeping me on task.  In a sense, I felt like I had some good ideas and it was my responsibility to share them, but in reality I was accountable to myself and nobody else.  For me, this magnified the sense of accomplishment.

For more writing resources, visit www.writers.com or www.writersmarketplace.com.

“Don’t you worry about her dying?”

Unfortunately, many military personnel and their families frequently encounter these questions at work, at school, and in the grocery store. While so many aspects of emotional intelligence would be helpful in
interacting with military families, empathy rises to the top of the list.

A mother with a sick child would not want to be asked repeatedly if she is worried her child will die, and a coal miner wouldn’t want to constantly be asked if he thinks about a mine collapsing. A active duty soldier doesn’t want to be hijacked by constant thoughts of death. Many veterans are already struggling to cope with what they have experienced as indicated by the record numbers of them reporting PTSD. Imagine what that might feel like.

Similarly, the last thing military spouses want to do as they negotiate life’s daily routines is have someone turn their attention to a potential bad outcome. People in these tense and fearful situations are well aware of the potential they could lose their loved ones. In fact, many family members suffer from anticipatory stress, the feeling that something could happen at any time. They cringe at each ring of the phone or knock at the door. Imagine living in the situation for weeks, months, sometimes years.

So what do we do? Here are some easy tips for interacting with military personnel and their families:

1.  When you talk to someone who is serving, or has served his or her country, ask about their job just as you would with anyone else. Ask where they are stationed, what day-to-day tasks they do, where they have traveled, and what kind of training they have done. Questions like these will help reduce the alienation they already may feel from civilians.

2.  Simply ask family members if there’s anything you can do to help them while their loved one is away. Sometimes the smallest things matter the most.

3.  Listen if they want to talk about their concerns. Try to be supportive and focus on the positives. Encourage them to seek professional help, if they are having a really difficult time coping.

4.  Say thank you. Not only do our extraordinarily courageous military personnel deserved our thanks, but their remarkably brave families have made a tremendous sacrifice for us. Let them know you appreciate them.

For more information about veterans issues, visit
http://www.militaryfamily.org/.

Cornell’s lacrosse team was beating Syracuse 9-6 with 5:31 left in regulation of the 2009 NCAA Championship.  Suddenly,  9-7, with 3:37 on the clock.  Before I knew it, the score was quickly 9 -8 with 2:46 remaining.  The Big Red eventually lost 10-9 in overtime.  Syracuse scored 4 goals in under 7 minutes, despite having only scored 6 times in the previous 54 minutes.

In 2005, the final 4 minutes of regulation against Arizona represented the greatest comeback in Illinois basketball history. They scored 20 points in 4 minutes. A remarkable 12 of those points came in 50 seconds.  My Illini won the game 90-89.

All of these comebacks have something in common…well, two things.  The first is that these were very personal for me.  Unfortunately, the Sox swept my St. Louis Cardinals in the World series to win their first championship in 86 years.  I went to graduate school at Cornell.  Illinois is my undergraduate Alma Mater.

The other thing these wins have in common is the feeling of inevitability about them.  The teams that were behind managed to rally behind a key play to steal the momentum from their opponents.   Their energy higher, their faces more determination, their minds more focused.  Despite the score and the time on the clock, it just seemed like they were going to win. The teams that were ahead seemed to play back on their heels and hold on to a win instead of playing the way they did to get the big leads.     

Momentum is powerful in sports, and very easy to see.  It is also very important in life, but harder to see.  In fact, we generally only pay attention when the momentum is working against us.  How many times have you had one bad thing happen to you, only to be followed by a string of bad things?  We remember those times, but often overlook those times when we have a string of positive things.  Here are some tips for creating positive momentum in your life.

• Control what you can - When something undesirable happens in your life, ask yourself, “Is this really beyond my control?”  While you obviously can’t control everything that happens to you, you will often find that many of those things are related to some prior decision you made.  And that is fine.  You can’t truly experience success without some failures along the way.
• Put things that you experience in proper perspective - Bad things happen to everyone, but some people choose to react to them differently.  Again, you can’t control or predict everything that is going to happen to you, but you can control your reaction to these experiences.  Always think about how little these isolated incidents matter in the grand scheme.
• Learn from your mistakes - If you are not making mistakes, you are not taking risks.  Just try to ensure they are the kinds of mistakes from which you can rebound.
• Learn from others’ mistakes - I have never subscribed to the notion that one has to experience something to learn from it.  Observe, listen, analyze…become a student of life.  Making mistakes is fine, but not the same ones everybody around you has made.
• Help others avoid the same mistakes you made - Imagine the gratification you would get from helping someone avoid the pain that you have already experienced.  You would probably get more from helping them than they would get for avoiding the mistake.
• Take time to appreciate when good things happen - Our minds force us to harp on the negatives without recognizing when momentum is actually going our way. The wonderful things in our lives are sometimes put on the back burner, particularly our relationships with the ones we love.

Just as the Sox, Syracuse and Illinois seized the moment and refused to let opportunity pass, you can take control of your career, health, and family. It won’t play itself out in minutes like the sports examples I have used.  Positive momentum requires your energy, determination and focus over time.  Just as spectators in the stands can feel who will win, the people in your life will feel that way about you.

Unfortunately, politics is not the only arena where effective communication is such a rarity. Your spouse, kids, friends, boss, and direct reports can probably attest to that.

Here are a few steps to ensure you are really hearing and being heard:

• Build ongoing relationships - One of the most important elements of communications is trust. We won’t always use the textbook recommended words when we communicate, but we don’t have to if the people we are talking to trust us. They will give us the benefit of the doubt, instead of attacking us for saying “the wrong” thing.
• Listen with your ears … and your eyes - We speak much more loudly with our bodies than we do with our mouths. The ability to properly read body language is a key emotional intelligence skill, but, like anything else, it requires a great deal of practice.
• Avoid formulating your response while others are talking - This is clearly an area where multitasking will hurt you. Our brains are powerful machines, but to ask them to effectively focus on those two activities is really asking too much.
• Check for understanding - It is really important to paraphrase what you think you just heard, and repeat it back to whom you are communicating. Please don’t repeat it in a sarcastic fashion, which will obviously make the situation worse.
• Take a proper breath before you respond - Most of us have no idea how to breath appropriately. We typically take shallow breaths into our chests, which rob our bodies of its full supply of needed oxygen. A proper breath is a deep inhale through the nose that pushes the stomach outwards, followed by a long exhale that forces out all of the air from the base of the stomach. Yoga practitioners are great at this.
• Be mindful of your body language, attitude and tone - Just as the person with whom you are communicating is sending out all types of horns and whistles with their body language without really being aware of it, so are you. Going from subconsciously sending the wrong signals to consciously sending the right signals will make all of the difference in how your message is understood.
• Check for understanding - It is a mistake to let someone walk away until you are sure that they understand your message; particularly, if they have to follow through on an assignment. Don’t ever assume you have communicated effectively.
• Say “thank you” - Let people know you appreciate them taking the time to talk though issues with you, especially if you are defending opposite positions. Doing so keeps the focus on the issue and not the person.

Practicing these steps will make you a master communicator, which will enable you to avoid so many of the traps the rest of us struggle to avoid.

As a kid growing up I used to wonder what separated the folks who could make those free-throws from the people who couldn’t. After all, most of the players were big and strong. Nearly all of them could jump high and run fast. Each of them had been playing that sport all of his or her life, and had taken thousands of free-throws. It should be automatic that these shots would go in…but they sometimes don’t.

Interestingly, fans get to know who will make those shots on a consistent basis and who will not. There is something that certain sports stars have that make them different, from all of those others who might be just as strong, just as fast, and who could jump just as high. I believe it is emotional intelligence. Here are a few examples of where EI comes into play to produce success on the field:

• Emotional self-awareness - The ability to tune into one’s emotional state, particularly in high stress situations.
• Assertiveness - The ability to act quickly and decisively when need be.
• Self-actualization - The ability to control emotions in such a way to allow one to set and achieve realistic goals.
• Social responsibility - Subscribing to “there is no ‘I’ in team”
• Flexibility - The ability to change course if the situation changes.
• Impulse control - The ability to delay gratification.
• Stress tolerance - The ability to withstand incredible amounts of stress.
• Optimism - Being confident about one’s chances of success.

Aren’t these important qualities to have off of the field as well?

In communities across America, it has become an all too familiar story on the nightly news. Another athlete has been arrested. Whether the crime is sexually assaulting someone, driving while intoxicated, running a dog-fighting circle, or carrying an illegal gun, we frequently watch our heroes reduced to less than average shadows of their on-the-field personas. We often ask ourselves how such a thing could happen given the money these individuals have earned and the celebrity the athletes have attained. Why would they put themselves in such a position? I think the answer is the opposites of the items in the list above.

The very term “race” for example is problematic. Scientists agree that there is no real biological basis for such a distinction among people. In other words, there is really no such thing as race. The term merely represents a social construct that was created in a really dark era in our history. But what does it mean today? Let’s consider this issue through a cultural emotional intelligence lens.

Here are just a few tidbits about me:

• Married
• No kids
• Lived abroad
• African American
• Grew up in public housing in East St. Louis, IL
• One of five siblings
• Extrovert
• Registered independent
• Big picture thinker
• Attended an Ivy League school
• Live in the south
• Earned a doctorate degree
• Enjoy playing golf, acting and drawing
• St. Louis Cardinals baseball fan

I could have listed thousands of items, but what is the item most different on the list? Of all of the listed items, the only one that is obvious by just looking at me is that I am African American. The other items could have been from someone else’s list, regardless of their ethnic background.
Unfortunately, because it is the characteristic that people see, it becomes the one people use to define me. When I say something, people think I feel this way just because I am Black. What a mistake! It is true that my perspective has been shaped by growing up Black in America. There is a history and a set of shared experiences and expectations that comes along with being a particular race even though there is no biological basis for race. People develop thoughts, beliefs, and behaviors in response to those experiences and expectations.

Certainly, there are issues that the majority of African Americans might agree on, particularly when it comes to the treatment of African Americans; however, the other characteristics on the list matter immensely. There is a tremendous amount of diversity within any group. African Americans with doctorate degrees, for example, think differently about particular issues when compared to African Americans who are high school drop-outs. Similarly, African Americans who are detailed oriented will surely approach their work differently than African Americans who are big picture thinkers. Black people in the south sometimes feel differently than Black people in the northeast about issues. Race is an important item on the list, but it is just one item. Our behavior is deeper than skin. In fact, a married White person who has a college degree might have much more in common with a married Black person who has a college degree than he or she would with a White high school drop-out; therefore, we must be careful when describing people that we don’t get caught up in blanket statements like “White people think this” and “Black people think that.”

All of our individual experiences form these bullet points that are inextricably tied together. It is impossible to just speak as an African American; moreover, it is impossible to speak for African America. One person cannot adequately express what it is like for every person that shares one of these bullet points with them because each person has thousands of other bullets that help shape their perspective. Depending on the subject matter, other individual characteristics become more pronounced in shaping opinions and behaviors. If we are talking about child rearing, the fact that one has no kids becomes a really important factor. If the subject is poverty, the fact that one grew up poor matters a lot. If we happened to be debating relationships, being married certainly shapes one’s opinion.

Exploring such issues through a cultural emotional intelligence lens opens the door for true self-reflection, honest dialogue, and real solutions. Imagine the possibilities.

I grew accustomed to riding in those “crop dusters” while I was at Cornell for graduate school since we had such a small airport. I listened to a young lady scream off and on for nearly two hours while we experienced some heavy turbulence on a flight back to school from a holiday break. I often joke that she must have packed her frontal lobes in her luggage and stored them under the plane because she certainly wasn’t using them to regulate her emotions.

Though I could appreciate her discomfort, I thought my best bet was to observe the flight attendant. Why might I have done that? Well, I figured the young man had been through this before. He had more inside knowledge about the situation than me. Had the pilot experienced any trouble, he would have known. Had the turbulence felt particularly threatening, he would have known. If there were problems with the equipment on the plane, he would have known. I wasn’t as concerned with what he might say. I was more intent on watching his body language. He seemed calm. He was hardly bothered by this unsettling turbulence. He even smiled at the screaming young lady to try to put her at ease. I felt comfortable because he seemed comfortable.

If you are an executive, a supervisor, an HR professional, or even an informal leader in your organization, just like that young man on my flight, you are also a flight attendant. People are watching you for important clues about what is really going on in your organization. Leaders must understand that they talk even when they don’t move their lips. If your body language doesn’t match your words, you may as well be one of the adults on the Peanuts cartoons, Wa Wa Wa Wa Wa. People know that you know, or believe that you know, what’s happening behind the scenes, particular in tough economic times like the one we are experiencing.

Here are a few tips about being a good flight attendant in your organization:

1. Be aware – Know that people are looking to you for leadership, and your behavior sets the tone for them.

2. Be present – Crisis times are when you need most to be out front and accessible. Don’t start eating lunch at your desk, or avoiding eye contact on the elevators.

3. Communicate frequently – While you are always communicating with your body language and attitude, make a special effort to also talk to people. Show them that you care about them.

4. Be honest – Always be open and honest. While there are sometimes things you can’t share, at least let people know that instead of misleading them.

5. Identify support – Leaders are sometimes so intent on being there for everyone else, they sometimes neglect getting help when they need it. Remember, you can hardly be good for anyone else if you are not good to yourself.

Obesity increases the risk of many diseases and health conditions including:

• Coronary heart disease
• Type 2 diabetes
• Cancers (endometrial, breast, and colon)
• Hypertension (high blood pressure)
• Dyslipidemia (for example, high total cholesterol or high levels of triglycerides)
• Stroke
• Liver and Gallbladder disease
• Sleep apnea and respiratory problems
• Osteoarthritis (a degeneration of cartilage and its underlying bone within a joint)
• Gynecological problems (abnormal menses, infertility)

To a person, people know cognitively that they need to eat better and exercise regularly to avoid these problems, but emotionally they find it difficult to change their lifestyle, so many don’t even try. When people learn that my wife and I have moved beyond our regular vegetarian diets to a vegan lifestyle, the most common feedback we get is “I am not disciplined enough to do that.” In emotional intelligence language, that kind of comment would be considered low on the self-actualization scale, which can be a hint to overall low emotional intelligence. Though we try hard not to make a big deal of it or pass judgment on anyone, it is easy to tell from some people’s behavior that our choice to avoid eating animal products somehow indicts them, so they go on the defensive. They proudly say things such as, “Give me their meat” or “I’ll have double meat, ha, ha, ha.” What’s so ironic is that those same folks, of whom few exercise regularly, often comment on how healthy they think we look and they say things like, “You both are so lucky you are so thin.” I always feel like responding about how “lucky” I was feeling at 5:00 that morning in the gym.

We not only have to be careful about what we put in our bodies, we must carefully consider what we put on our bodies. Most cosmetics, household cleaning, hair care, skin care, and personal hygiene products contain harsh chemicals that may be harmful for us and damage the environment at the same time. We have recently replaced all of our personal care products and cleaning supplies in our home with natural products. What’s interesting is that while some of these products have been difficult to find, they haven’t really cost us more money—and many of them have worked better! For a complete list of ingredients that the popular grocery chain Whole Foods deems unacceptable, please visit http://www.wholefoodsmarket.com/pdfs/unacceptable-bodycare.pdf.

Here are few tips on being friendly to yourself and the environment:

• Use natural products – Not only are they better for you, many are package in biodegradable containers.
• Try organic and non-processed foods - Organic foods are farmed without the use of environmentally harmful pesticides, synthetic fertilizers and other chemicals.
• Maybe you are not ready to be a vegan, but try eating vegetarian a couple of times per week - Livestock use a lot of resources and produce waste that can lead to water pollution and greenhouse gases.
• Buy locally grown foods - it reduces pollution generated by transportation.

I know it can be daunting to introduce such a lifestyle change, but keep in mind that everybody had to start somewhere. Each time someone walks by you who looks like they don’t take care of themselves should serve as a reminder of how important it is to eat right and exercise regularly. This is not about vanity, but more about your social/emotional/physical health. Imagine the possibilities for you, and the value to our planet!