Are You Really Listening?

Watching the healthcare debate play out in living rooms, around workplace water coolers, and in town hall meetings across America, reminds me of how little we really listen to each other. It is as if the facts don’t matter. People say what they were going to say despite what others have just said. Emotion trumps logic all too often, especially about such an important issue.

Unfortunately, politics is not the only arena where effective communication is such a rarity. Your spouse, kids, friends, boss, and direct reports can probably attest to that.

Here are a few steps to ensure you are really hearing and being heard:

• Build ongoing relationships - One of the most important elements of communications is trust. We won’t always use the textbook recommended words when we communicate, but we don’t have to if the people we are talking to trust us. They will give us the benefit of the doubt, instead of attacking us for saying “the wrong” thing.
• Listen with your ears … and your eyes - We speak much more loudly with our bodies than we do with our mouths. The ability to properly read body language is a key emotional intelligence skill, but, like anything else, it requires a great deal of practice.
• Avoid formulating your response while others are talking - This is clearly an area where multitasking will hurt you. Our brains are powerful machines, but to ask them to effectively focus on those two activities is really asking too much.
• Check for understanding - It is really important to paraphrase what you think you just heard, and repeat it back to whom you are communicating. Please don’t repeat it in a sarcastic fashion, which will obviously make the situation worse.
• Take a proper breath before you respond - Most of us have no idea how to breath appropriately. We typically take shallow breaths into our chests, which rob our bodies of its full supply of needed oxygen. A proper breath is a deep inhale through the nose that pushes the stomach outwards, followed by a long exhale that forces out all of the air from the base of the stomach. Yoga practitioners are great at this.
• Be mindful of your body language, attitude and tone - Just as the person with whom you are communicating is sending out all types of horns and whistles with their body language without really being aware of it, so are you. Going from subconsciously sending the wrong signals to consciously sending the right signals will make all of the difference in how your message is understood.
• Check for understanding - It is a mistake to let someone walk away until you are sure that they understand your message; particularly, if they have to follow through on an assignment. Don’t ever assume you have communicated effectively.
• Say “thank you” - Let people know you appreciate them taking the time to talk though issues with you, especially if you are defending opposite positions. Doing so keeps the focus on the issue and not the person.

Practicing these steps will make you a master communicator, which will enable you to avoid so many of the traps the rest of us struggle to avoid.