Carter G. Woodson, the Father of Black History, once commented that African American contributions “were overlooked, ignored, and even suppressed by the writers of history textbooks and the teachers who use them.” To overcome this challenge, he founded the Association for the Study of African American Life and History (ASALH) in 1912.  The organization has as its mission “to promote, research, preserve, interpret and disseminate information about Black life, history and culture to the global community.”  To help fulfill this mission, ASALH established Negro History Week (now Black History Month) in 1926.

African Americans will forever be indebted to Dr. Woodson for his bringing to the forefront, in a very visible way, the challenges and significant contributions of African Americans.  One has to question, though, whether the best mechanism to continue this work is through continuing the Black History Month tradition.

The major problems I see with Black History Month, or any other ethnically-themed month, include:

1. People tend to focus on the challenges and contributions of nonwhites and women only during their designated month.  In the 1920‘s, the contributions of Black people were not really recognized at all, so it was necessary to select a time where these discussions could happen.  Today, using one month to celebrate the remarkable contributions that African Americans have made to the development and advancement of this nation is insulting.  Black, Hispanic and Native American history is American History, and should be seamlessly woven into literature, art, science, and history books. These should not be side subjects or add-ons.
2. The “surface culture” events and programs in our cities, at our schools and at our workplaces during these designated months may lead to more marginalization from the very people these activities are aimed at educating.  Culture is obviously much more than singing, dancing, garb and food.  If not part of a broader, on-going educational approach, these events provide a very shallow understanding of different cultures, their challenges and their contributions.
3. We tend to hero-worship during these designated months.  Everyone knows Dr. King, Harriet Tubman and Frederick Douglas.  The problem is that whenever we start naming prominent Black, Hispanic, or Native American people, we leave out countless people who have made remarkable contributions in every field of human endeavor.  There are little-known scientists, educators, engineers, lawyers, doctors, artists and writers without whom our world would be radically different without their efforts.  To highlight a few does great disservice for the rest.  Also, people like Dr. King are few and far between, to focus only on them presents a nearly impossible model for kids to emulate, regardless of race or gender.

America has always been a multicultural, multiracial society.  Our diversity should be celebrated in all of its splendor 12 months each year.

1. Commit to increasing your EQ. Before you could hope to make some improvements, you must make a sincere commitment.  Develop a plan and devote proper time and resources to making it happen.
2. Determine your strengths and areas for development. Learn about EI at www.eiconsortium.org.  Ask people in your circles to give you feedback in the various EI domains.  You can also take one of several assessments to get some objective, formal feedback and ideas for development.  Group assessments are offered through The Conrad Consulting Group, LLC.
3. Practice expressing your emotions. Being able to understand and calmly articulate how you are feeling is a valuable skill that many of us lack.  Improvement in this area alone could make all the difference in your relationships this year.
4. Volunteer. There is nothing like going out and putting your time and energy into a worthy cause.  Besides the rewarding feeling you get from helping people, volunteer activities also provide excellent opportunities to learn what life is like for others in your community.
5. Change your routine. Mix it up in 2010.  Life is always going to throw you curve balls, so practice creating some of your own so you’ll be better equipped to handle the unexpected ones.
6. Call an old friend whom you haven’t spoken to for years. Don’t let another year go by before you call that childhood friend, former teacher, former boss.  I know people who haven’t talked to immediate family members for years.  Life is too short for this.
7. Ensure that you get your news from multiple credible sources. Cable television and the internet have provided us unparalleled access to information, the problem is that so much of the information is bad and many of us only tune in the sources that reinforce our current belief structure.  That’s not the way to learn; in fact, it is the surest way to limit your knowledge about a given subject.
8. Mentor someone. Take the challenge to mentor a young person.  You will be glad you did.
9. Finally do that thing that you have been threatening to do for a long time. Be assertive - enroll in school to finish that degree, lose that nagging weight, read that book, or paint the house.  Most people have at least one thing that they have put off for far too long.  Tackle yours.
10. Adopt a hobby, or develop a talent. Do you play an instrument? Speak a second language? Practice martial arts? Draw?  If not, why not?
11. Exercise and eat healthy. If you read my newsletter on a regular basis, you know this is a biggie for me.  Make it a biggie for you in 2010.
12. Dance, sing, and laugh as often as you can. Despite its challenges, life is a song worth singing - so sing.  If this works for hospital patients, surely it can work for you.

Have a safe and prosperous 2010!

As I work through my follow-up book to The Fragile Mind, I am reminded how much writing that book impacted my life.  I have been fortunate enough to sell a few copies and win a couple of national awards, but that is just icing on the cake.  The real benefit was what I learned about myself through the writing process, and how it helped me improve in some key emotional intelligence areas.

Another pleasant surprise has been the number of people who have been inspired to write after reading my book.  I know two people who have already gotten published, and several others have asked me specific questions about the writing and publishing process.  This has gotten me to think about how great it would be if more people shared their stories.  The goal should not necessarily be to sell a bunch of copies and make a lot of money, but rather to contribute to the body of knowledge in the public sphere.

If you are challenged in figuring out what to write about, ask yourself the following questions.  What do you enjoy?  Do you have a unique life experience that people can benefit from learning about?  Do you have a big idea?  Do you have a different view on an issue than what appears to be the popular position?  Is there something you would like to learn more about? (Remember, you are an expert if you read three books on a given subject).  Having asked all of those questions, please keep in mind that your life story is probably more profound than you think.  Whatever you write about, I guarantee that you will get more out of it than you could ever imagine, especially where emotional intelligence is concerned.

Here are some elements of emotional intelligence that can be improved upon through writing a book:

1.    Emotional Self Awareness.  The process really teaches you about yourself and why you think and feel the way you do.  Often, we are out of touch with where our ideas and feelings originated.  With careful exploration, you might find that your feelings and ideas have more to do with your parents and childhood experiences, than a real thorough evaluation of facts.

Some of us have stereotypes about people because of what we were told and just absorbed as true.  Some of us go to church or prescribe to a certain religion because its what our parents and their parents before them did, as opposed to a thoughtful examination of different religious philosophies.  Some of us are virtually unaware of our behavior and its impact on others.

Depending on your subject, writing a book really forces you to go inside yourself in ways you can’t even imagine.

2.    Self-Actualization. I cannot express to you the sense of accomplishment you feel once you finish your book.  The feeling rivaled the feeling I had after obtaining my doctorate degree.  Imagine starting from a blank sheet of paper and ending up with a 200-plus page document.

3.    Assertiveness. Few things can challenge one’s ability to be assertive than putting your ideas out there for the world to respond.  If it is not challenging the status quo, it is probably not worth writing.

4.    Impulse Control.  The process is great practice for patience.  Sometimes it takes a while for the ideas to form.  It might be in the car, it could be in the shower, sometimes it is in a meeting, often it is in the middle of the night.  (By the way, buy a digital recorder so that you don’t miss these opportunities.)  The fact that anyone anywhere can read your ideas really forces you to think deeply about what you are penning.  You can’t just put your first thoughts on the page.  You have to play with, wrestle, and sometimes fight issues to deconstruct and better understand them.

5.    Independence.  I have already indicated that finishing the book was comparable to finishing my doctorate, but an added plus was that I did it without a committee keeping me on task.  In a sense, I felt like I had some good ideas and it was my responsibility to share them, but in reality I was accountable to myself and nobody else.  For me, this magnified the sense of accomplishment.

For more writing resources, visit www.writers.com or www.writersmarketplace.com.

“Have you ever killed someone?”

“Don’t you worry about her dying?”

Unfortunately, many military personnel and their families frequently encounter these questions at work, at school, and in the grocery store. While so many aspects of emotional intelligence would be helpful in
interacting with military families, empathy rises to the top of the list.

A mother with a sick child would not want to be asked repeatedly if she is worried her child will die, and a coal miner wouldn’t want to constantly be asked if he thinks about a mine collapsing. A active duty soldier doesn’t want to be hijacked by constant thoughts of death. Many veterans are already struggling to cope with what they have experienced as indicated by the record numbers of them reporting PTSD. Imagine what that might feel like.

Similarly, the last thing military spouses want to do as they negotiate life’s daily routines is have someone turn their attention to a potential bad outcome. People in these tense and fearful situations are well aware of the potential they could lose their loved ones. In fact, many family members suffer from anticipatory stress, the feeling that something could happen at any time. They cringe at each ring of the phone or knock at the door. Imagine living in the situation for weeks, months, sometimes years.

So what do we do? Here are some easy tips for interacting with military personnel and their families:

1.  When you talk to someone who is serving, or has served his or her country, ask about their job just as you would with anyone else. Ask where they are stationed, what day-to-day tasks they do, where they have traveled, and what kind of training they have done. Questions like these will help reduce the alienation they already may feel from civilians.

2.  Simply ask family members if there’s anything you can do to help them while their loved one is away. Sometimes the smallest things matter the most.

3.  Listen if they want to talk about their concerns. Try to be supportive and focus on the positives. Encourage them to seek professional help, if they are having a really difficult time coping.

4.  Say thank you. Not only do our extraordinarily courageous military personnel deserved our thanks, but their remarkably brave families have made a tremendous sacrifice for us. Let them know you appreciate them.

For more information about veterans issues, visit
http://www.militaryfamily.org/.

The Boston Red Sox were down 0-3 in the 2004 American League Championship Series against the New York Yankees. They had been pummeled 19-8 in Game 3. The Sox tied game 4 in the ninth inning and went on to win in extra innings.  Their momentum carried them to wins in the next three games, completing the single biggest comeback in baseball playoff history.

Cornell’s lacrosse team was beating Syracuse 9-6 with 5:31 left in regulation of the 2009 NCAA Championship.  Suddenly,  9-7, with 3:37 on the clock.  Before I knew it, the score was quickly 9 -8 with 2:46 remaining.  The Big Red eventually lost 10-9 in overtime.  Syracuse scored 4 goals in under 7 minutes, despite having only scored 6 times in the previous 54 minutes.

In 2005, the final 4 minutes of regulation against Arizona represented the greatest comeback in Illinois basketball history. They scored 20 points in 4 minutes. A remarkable 12 of those points came in 50 seconds.  My Illini won the game 90-89.

All of these comebacks have something in common…well, two things.  The first is that these were very personal for me.  Unfortunately, the Sox swept my St. Louis Cardinals in the World series to win their first championship in 86 years.  I went to graduate school at Cornell.  Illinois is my undergraduate Alma Mater.

The other thing these wins have in common is the feeling of inevitability about them.  The teams that were behind managed to rally behind a key play to steal the momentum from their opponents.   Their energy higher, their faces more determination, their minds more focused.  Despite the score and the time on the clock, it just seemed like they were going to win. The teams that were ahead seemed to play back on their heels and hold on to a win instead of playing the way they did to get the big leads.     

Momentum is powerful in sports, and very easy to see.  It is also very important in life, but harder to see.  In fact, we generally only pay attention when the momentum is working against us.  How many times have you had one bad thing happen to you, only to be followed by a string of bad things?  We remember those times, but often overlook those times when we have a string of positive things.  Here are some tips for creating positive momentum in your life.

• Control what you can - When something undesirable happens in your life, ask yourself, “Is this really beyond my control?”  While you obviously can’t control everything that happens to you, you will often find that many of those things are related to some prior decision you made.  And that is fine.  You can’t truly experience success without some failures along the way.
• Put things that you experience in proper perspective - Bad things happen to everyone, but some people choose to react to them differently.  Again, you can’t control or predict everything that is going to happen to you, but you can control your reaction to these experiences.  Always think about how little these isolated incidents matter in the grand scheme.
• Learn from your mistakes - If you are not making mistakes, you are not taking risks.  Just try to ensure they are the kinds of mistakes from which you can rebound.
• Learn from others’ mistakes - I have never subscribed to the notion that one has to experience something to learn from it.  Observe, listen, analyze…become a student of life.  Making mistakes is fine, but not the same ones everybody around you has made.
• Help others avoid the same mistakes you made - Imagine the gratification you would get from helping someone avoid the pain that you have already experienced.  You would probably get more from helping them than they would get for avoiding the mistake.
• Take time to appreciate when good things happen - Our minds force us to harp on the negatives without recognizing when momentum is actually going our way. The wonderful things in our lives are sometimes put on the back burner, particularly our relationships with the ones we love.

Just as the Sox, Syracuse and Illinois seized the moment and refused to let opportunity pass, you can take control of your career, health, and family. It won’t play itself out in minutes like the sports examples I have used.  Positive momentum requires your energy, determination and focus over time.  Just as spectators in the stands can feel who will win, the people in your life will feel that way about you.

Watching the healthcare debate play out in living rooms, around workplace water coolers, and in town hall meetings across America, reminds me of how little we really listen to each other. It is as if the facts don’t matter. People say what they were going to say despite what others have just said. Emotion trumps logic all too often, especially about such an important issue.

Unfortunately, politics is not the only arena where effective communication is such a rarity. Your spouse, kids, friends, boss, and direct reports can probably attest to that.

Here are a few steps to ensure you are really hearing and being heard:

• Build ongoing relationships - One of the most important elements of communications is trust. We won’t always use the textbook recommended words when we communicate, but we don’t have to if the people we are talking to trust us. They will give us the benefit of the doubt, instead of attacking us for saying “the wrong” thing.
• Listen with your ears … and your eyes - We speak much more loudly with our bodies than we do with our mouths. The ability to properly read body language is a key emotional intelligence skill, but, like anything else, it requires a great deal of practice.
• Avoid formulating your response while others are talking - This is clearly an area where multitasking will hurt you. Our brains are powerful machines, but to ask them to effectively focus on those two activities is really asking too much.
• Check for understanding - It is really important to paraphrase what you think you just heard, and repeat it back to whom you are communicating. Please don’t repeat it in a sarcastic fashion, which will obviously make the situation worse.
• Take a proper breath before you respond - Most of us have no idea how to breath appropriately. We typically take shallow breaths into our chests, which rob our bodies of its full supply of needed oxygen. A proper breath is a deep inhale through the nose that pushes the stomach outwards, followed by a long exhale that forces out all of the air from the base of the stomach. Yoga practitioners are great at this.
• Be mindful of your body language, attitude and tone - Just as the person with whom you are communicating is sending out all types of horns and whistles with their body language without really being aware of it, so are you. Going from subconsciously sending the wrong signals to consciously sending the right signals will make all of the difference in how your message is understood.
• Check for understanding - It is a mistake to let someone walk away until you are sure that they understand your message; particularly, if they have to follow through on an assignment. Don’t ever assume you have communicated effectively.
• Say “thank you” - Let people know you appreciate them taking the time to talk though issues with you, especially if you are defending opposite positions. Doing so keeps the focus on the issue and not the person.

Practicing these steps will make you a master communicator, which will enable you to avoid so many of the traps the rest of us struggle to avoid.

The arena is filled to capacity. There is 1 second left on the clock. Your team is 2 points down. You have just gotten fouled while attempting a 3-point shot, which means you now have the opportunity to make three straight free-throws to win the game. The opposing fans are screaming like crazy trying to will you to miss. How confident are you that you could make those free throws? Read More→

Cultural emotional intelligence is merely using emotional intelligence to think about issues of culture. Too often these discussions are avoided, or ineffective because of the emotional baggage people bring to them. Clearly, emotional intelligence, the ability to understand and regulate my own emotions while understanding and adjusting to the emotions of others, offers a new way to approach issues of human diversity. Cutting through the emotional quagmire enables us to bring much needed logic and reason into an issue that has plagued us for far too long. Read More→

If you travel a great deal, undoubtedly you have flown in one of those small planes with one seat on either side of a narrow aisle. If you are over 6’0 you have to duck just to get to your seat. Don’t dare try fitting into the restroom. Aside from being a little cramped (to say the least), what most people hate about these small commuter planes is how sensitive they are to turbulence. It seems as though you are riding a yo-yo. Read More→

According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), more than 33 percent of adults and 16 percent of children in the US are obese. Since 1980, obesity rates for adults have doubled and rates for children have tripled. They numbers are alarming, particularly in Mississippi, Alabama, and Tennessee as noted in the diagram below:

Read More→